Thrown Away
by PikaCheeka
Summary: Edited to remove song. Rath POV. Just him questioning his sanity, thinking about how he is dying, being miserable.


a/n- I'm working on two other DK fics right now…longer, less random/more shounen-ai-ish ones, but the end of the school year is here for me which means projects and finals and all that junk, so I've had little time to write lately. Yea. I had no intention of starting anything else, because it would be just another thing to hang over my head, but I had to. Yep, this is a songfic. I've realized there are no songfics in this section…so maybe I'm violating some rule, I don't know. Oh well. Like I said, I had to write this, probably more for me than for Rath points at him.

This sucks really bad. I know that. It's probably the crappiest thing I ever wrote. It's probably going to be completely incomprehensible. That's because it's exactly what I feel right now. I can't make any sense in my head, so I just wrote. The new meds don't work.

Thrown Away

By PikaCheeka / The Last Wraith

It was all a mistake, but the second I started I knew it was too late, too late to turn back and change it all. I never meant for it to happen, never meant for any of it to happen. Back then, when they made me human, they gave me another chance to live, be a halfway decent, normal living being, but I've already failed. I failed a long time ago, when I first saw that Yokai and killed him.

I've realized over time that I can't control myself at all. My emotions change so violently, so suddenly, that it catches me off guard again and again. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

I feel it coming again. It always comes, always creeps onto me whenever I'm alone or afraid, which is nearly always. I never feel safe anymore. I have nowhere to hide. Everything in my head is trying to destroy me, even my own emotions, if I have any. I've tried to force them back, force back the pain and the loneliness and the fear, keep only the unrelenting anger and bitterness that everyone always sees in me. But it's getting so hard. Everything is changing now. It seems that the more power Nadil gains...the less control I have over myself, over everything I thought I was, or at least pretended to be.

I tried to talk about it a few times to people, but nobody ever understood. They can't understand that I'm not even a real human, that I'm not like them at all and that nothing I feel or think is quite like...normal. I'm not normal. I'm a freak, not of one specie. Not even half and half. I'm a demon, trying to pass off as a human. I just got stuck with the worst parts of both, and it's ripping me apart now. I'm tired. Almost too tired to care sometimes...

It was okay for a while, I was able to be 'normal', to pass off as a human for a long time, but when I first killed that got torn away from me, and I was suddenly split. Something inside me just snapped, and now I have no control over that other side of me that ravages all that I have left. I hate it. I hate it all. I want to be in control of what I feel again, want to be able to have normal emotions and understand them and just lead a plain life. I can't do that anymore. I can't ever again. Now I just have to wait until I am dead, and then maybe I will have peace. I can't even begin to explain how scary it is to be unable to control your emotions, or even understand the ones that you have. One second I will be fine and the next I will be overtaken with such a hollow loneliness, a pit of despair, that I just want to double over, collapse, and never wake up again. I want the darkness to let me go, or maybe just surrender to it. Whatever's easier, whatever...I don't want to fight anymore.

Lykouleon called me down the other day, and I went for lack of anything better to do. He said he was worried about me and I yelled at him to leave me the hell alone, that everything was fine and it was just annoying people like him that made me who I was. But he knew, he knew too much. He did raise me after all, and I guess he understood more of what I went through than I thought. Or at least knew what was happening inside of my head. He said he knew that I was just forcing my way through life, rushing towards the ultimate reward of death. He said that he noticed from very early on that I never seemed to care about much, and when I did, it was about unimportant things and I became obsessed with them. He said I often became distant and strange, even cruel, at random times, when moments before I had been fine.

I don't know about the rest. I walked out on him then. I couldn't handle it. He understood it vaguely, but then at the same time he didn't. I've had enough people call me heartless and cold, empty and dead, yet they don't get it.

I know I'm all of those things. It bothers me to an extent, but I can never change that and I've just accepted the fact that I'm inhuman. I always will be. I'm doomed to be a miserable...freak until I die, and the only way I can handle that is to outwardly bitter. It's only the rage that scares me, because I can;t understand that, and I can't control it at all.

It comes out of nowhere, or somewhere, roaring out of some deep, dank, cold corner of my mind where nothing else resides. I think that's why I'm named Rath. They knew, they somehow knew what I would be. Yet they still made me into a human, still cared about me, still hurt me in more ways than they could ever possibly know just by trying to be there for me when I needed someone, but wanted no one.

I can't handle that above all else. Love, as I suppose it's called. People caring about me. It sickens me, scares me half to death. It's just something else that hurts you, that ties you down and prevents you from just letting go, from flying. It connects you to others. It may make you less alone, but you know that in the end you will always be separated, and I'd rather always be alone...

Thatz, Rune, Kaistern, Cesia...all of them. They're important to me. I care about them, maybe not love them, but I do care. They're not everything to me. I could live without them, but it would be much more painful than my miserable life already is. It makes me sick. If I had never known them, I never would have grown attached to them, and I never will have had the chance of being hurt.

So now I'm connected to them. I feel like I have to keep going for them. I can't cut myself off entirely, can't reside deeply enough inside of me to find sanctuary, which is all I want to do. I want peace. I'm so tired. If I don't die, I want to at least be able to leave this place, go off and be alone until the end of my days. I want time to be able to dig out what tiny bit of myself still remains somewhere in here. It's too much effort to keep carrying on this act, pretending I'm okay, pretending I'm not completely dying, collapsing, shutting down inside. It's so difficult...I just want it to end. I want sleep.

I sometimes stop and wonder how I've gotten this far, and for the life of me I can not make sense of it. I look back on what has passed, but all I can ever see is the pain, which is funny, because it wasn't always like that. It's been getting worse every day, every day my life gets more unclear, my mind gets darker, the sickening painful void within my mind grows. I can usually fight it off, pretend I'm fine, even if I have to act a bit strange-overly obnoxious and happy-to do so, which is what I've had to do for a while now. Too long. And now even that is breaking it's grip. People are noticing what's happening. Thatz especially. He knows I'm dying in here, knows I won't last much longer. I've been having so much trouble lately fighting it all off. Been having to retreat, wander off alone, more and more often. So that nobody will see me when I'm not in control of myself.

I'm nothing anymore...maybe never was anything. How frightening would that be? I already know I'm not even a true human. What if I don't even really exist? Just a freak, a manifestion of pain and confusion and rage, loneliness and fear and bitterness...I can't keep it up at all anymore. So tired of all of this, so tired of living and having to carry on, go day to day and pretend it's all okay. I've always hated the melodramatic people, the people who are 'suicidal' so to speak, yet they whine about themselves so much that you know they'd never try anything. I can't stand that, so I can't let anyone see me like this. Not anymore, not ever again.

Every time I see my reflection I see two people. There's the person I try to be, the person I used to be, the person I pretend to be around others. And then there is...him...that part of me that I'm afraid of, that causes me to break down and feel the pain again, the rage, the fear, the utter despair and loneliness. He takes me away from myself, takes the control away, and then I'm just trapped, helpless, forced to feel whatever he brings upon me. And it worsens day by day.

I know...I know what it all is. In a way I do anyway, but I don't want to believe it, for it doesn't all fit in completely, not yet anyway. Nadil. It always goes back to Nadil. The more power he gains, the less control I have over myself. And it all became a hundred times worse when I 'killed' him back then. I think he got inside of me somehow, forced his way into my mind and split me apart, shattered me. I was already fragile, already slightly demented and strange, unable to understand exactly who or what I was, why I felt so lonely and scared like I always had. He just took advantage of it...Maybe I just need somebody to blame it on. It's too unsettling to admit to myself that I may really be just completely insane, that it's all my fault.

It doesn't matter though. I'm tired. I'm sick of this. I can't keep pretending, being two people. And I know if I stop, I'll become the one I fear, and then I'll slowly wither away due to lack of control of my own body and mind. I'll die. I'm already dying. I want it all to end. I want sleep. I want to be thrown away.

Sometimes I have to wonder what would happen if I let it take over me completely, if I succumbed to it entirely. Would I just become some puppet, some toy, for Nadil? Or would I go entirely insane, lose all sense of self, of humanity, of any remote grounding, and...I don't even want to think about it. It terrifies me, because I feel like it's happening. I have control over nothing. I'm ordered around by my destiny, and I can't even have my emotions to myself. I'm always being controlled by someone, by something, and I'm so tired. I want to give up, but I can't yet. I still have more to do...I don't want to. I don't want to do anything but be throw away now. I want to give up. So tired, so sick of everything. I want to kill him.

a/n-wow that sucked.


End file.
